Learning to pause before you say yes (or no!)

This blog started life as an episode of my podcast, Unfrazzle. You can listen here if you prefer.

I once worked with someone who was very popular and got invited to many things. She’d check her diary and if she was free, she’d usually say yes.

But as the thing she’d said yes to got closer, a tiny bit of remorse would often creep in.

She’d start thinking ‘do I REALLY want to take a day away from my desk to go do that thing?’ ‘I’m going to be in the car for hours. Maybe I’ll need to book a hotel. Find someone to walk the dog.’

Not to mention the fact that being away from her desk for a day or two would prevent her from getting on with the other important things on her to-do list. She’d start to panic, worried about how she’d catch up with everything that needs doing, trying to figure out if she could get ahead by cramming more in beforehand.

Once the thing she’d said yes to was looming, sometimes - not all the time - she’d realise that she didn’t want to do it anymore.

And then she’d be in the incredibly uncomfortable position of having to go back and say no. Which might not be so bad, except for the fact that because she’s human and hates the idea of letting people down, she’d procrastinate for ages, tying herself in knots about whether or not to do the thing, and putting off saying no for as long as possible. Painful, eh?

The problem with saying yes (and no!) too quickly

For that client back in the day, saying an instant yes to invitations got her into all sorts of problems. It felt like the right thing – or perhaps the easiest thing – to say in the moment, but she was kicking the discomfort down the road, for Future Her to deal with later.

I understand how that happens, but I can’t relate. Because I’m the exact opposite!

Whenever I’m invited to something, my first instinct is to say no.

I’m very aware that my default setting will often revert to lack, so I go straight to ‘I don’t have time’, ‘I can’t afford it’, or ‘I don’t have the energy.’ Or perhaps a combination of all three.

And so I often say no.

But then I go away and think about it. Stare at my calendar for a while. Do a little research to see exactly what’s involved. Consider my capacity. And then slowly I start to realise that I should’ve said yes.

Two times I changed my mind

Two examples spring to mind: when my pal invited me to the National Coaching Awards, my first thought was that I couldn’t possibly. It was a few days before I was running my first ever retreat and a few weeks before I was taking a three-week break. I didn’t think I could spare the time. But then I realised how much space I had to get organised. That there was plenty of time to get everything done, and that it would be good for me to leave the house and meet some people in real life. So I went back to her and say yes.

And then there was the time a client asked if I could make candles in ceramic pots for the gift bags for an event she was running. I said no, convinced I wouldn’t be able to get them done in time (that three-week break was getting in the way again!). But then I slept on it, realised I had a whole weekend in which to play with clay before our break, and that actually I COULD get them done in time. So the next morning I went back to her and said yes.

Different defaults, same root cause

What fascinates me about all this is that although that past client and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum – she defaults to yes, and I default to no – our instinctive responses are caused by the same thing:

Our subconscious – which is very aware of our past experiences, patterns and how we’ve been burnt before – is trying to protect us.

For me, I don’t want to be busy, because being busy made me ill. I protect my peace and my space fiercely. So whenever something comes up that wasn’t on the plan? My default is to say no.

And my client didn’t want to miss out on opportunities. She struggled with FOMO and wanted to make sure she was visible so people wouldn’t forget she exists. There was also a sense that she needed to be busy, or that would mean she’s lazy and she wouldn’t be able to achieve all she wanted to achieve. And so her default was to say yes.

Neither of us is right or wrong.

But I think we’d both benefit from learning to say ‘let me get back to you’ instead of vocalising our first, almost unconscious thought.

Do you recognise yourself in this? Are you more likely to default to yes or to no?

Would giving yourself a moment to think by saying ‘let me get back to you’ serve you too?

As always I hope that this helps, and I look forward to seeing you again soon.